All my life I had dreamt of meeting the perfect man, having the most wonderful relationship, eventually getting married and having a couple of kids. I guess I was just like any 'normal' girl, wanted what was socially accepted should I say... During my years at secondary school the subject of gay & lesbian came up a couple of times, there were rumours going around that a couple of the female teachers were lesbian, and the “usual” things were being said: “keep away from Miss Jones (fictional name) because she'll try and look down your top” and “Miss Jones fancies you ha-ha” kids can be so cruel sometimes... Anyway, I took no notice of any of the rumours and just got on with being a kid and enjoying school, sometimes and thought nothing else of the subject until many, many years later...
I'd finished secondary school, done a couple of years at university (I never finished the course, quit after the second year but that's another story) and was working full time at McDonald's when Anya came into my life... I was beginning to think I would never meet that someone special and settle down, I mean I was almost 21 and had never really had a serious boyfriend, I thought I would be spending the next however many years of my life living with my grandparents as I was at the time...
It was October 2006 and one of my best friends Katy was throwing a Halloween party in aid of breast cancer... She told me that her friend, Anya, who she had met at a Toyah gig, would be coming to the party and that she was a lesbian, I think she made the point of telling me that because Katy was invited to Anya's Halloween party and she didn't want to go alone so had asked me to go along... Of course I said yes, it was another party and a trip to London at the same time... Well, as Katy's party was in full swing, I found myself talking to Anya and we got onto the subject of things we were afraid, obviously being at a Halloween party and scared of spiders is not the best thing *laughs out loud* Anya told me that she was scared of beautiful girls, she then looked at me and screamed... I thought nothing more of it and continued to enjoy the party...
To cut a long story short, I quickly began to realise that Anya was being deadly serious that night and it wasn't just the alcohol talking as I had first thought, and that she really was attracted to me... Over the next few months she let it know that she was interested and that she wanted to be more than just friends, I was adamant that nothing could happen, I was straight and interested in boys, but being as open minded as I was by then, I didn't mind being friends and we even met up in Birmingham a few times and had lunch... How wrong was I in that sense, she knew me better than I did myself...
I started to have feelings that I'd never experienced before and suddenly found that I couldn't get Anya off my mind, I was falling, and I was falling fast, even though I knew this I still wouldn't admit that I could possible be gay, not even to myself... By now, we were visiting each other regularly and even planned a weekend away together, we were going zorbing... I tried, unsuccessfully, to convince myself, and everyone else around me that we were just friends, I mean you meet up with friends all the time, and go on holiday and weekends away don't you, so why was the situation with me and Anya any different?? Eventually, I found that I couldn't hide my feelings any longer and had to admit that I was in love, and that it was with a woman and not a man as I had dreamt of so many times when I was younger... I still couldn't bring myself to tell my friends and family though and we kept our relationship a secret for a while, or so I thought!! When I eventually plucked up the courage to admit it to my friends and family they decided to tell me that they already knew, and had done for quite a while now, I wish they had told me *laughs out loud* again...
As soon as it was in the open I felt like a huge weight had been lifted off my shoulders and I suddenly found that I was less stressed and more carefree and happy than I had been for the past couple of months... After that things progressed pretty quickly and now, 2 and a half years later, we are living together and engaged to be married and you know what, I am not ashamed to admit who I am anymore, I am in love with a woman, an amazing and wonderful one at that, and I couldn't be happier *smiles widely* I guess what I'm trying to say is that if you think you are someone that is 'different to the norm' don't hide away pretending to be something you're not, be out and be proud, don't be afraid to be who you want to be, you will be a much happier person for it, I should know. I want to thank my fiancé Anya, for helping me find out who I really am and for making me realise that being who I am is nothing to be ashamed of... I am a lot happier now, actually I don't think I could be happier than I am at the moment... Anya, I love you and you've made me one of the happiest people alive, thank you, so, so much... x
